Dear Son, On Pain and Growth
I’m blown away at getting to know you. You decided to be born three weeks early. It was a little unexpected, but nothing that we couldn’t deal with. After all we have been waiting for you since 2013. This is probably one of the hardest things for you to read, and for me to write. But it’s something that I have thought a lot about. Pain is a catalyst to growth.
Now it certainly is not the only only one, nor is it the easiest. But almost every time there is growth there is pain that goes along with it. Right now you are fussy and don’t like change, especially when it means me having to put a fresh diaper on you. That’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking more about what you go through when you start cutting your first teeth or how your muscles feel after a growth spurt. There is pain, but it’s there for a reason.
In 2013 your mother and I found out that you were to be born. We know it wasn’t exactly you, but one our coping mechanisms has been to think that you just weren’t ready or you didn’t like the original versions of the bodies that were forming. We miscarried our first two pregnancies. This was extraordinarily emotionally painful for us, and in fact there is still a lot of healing the two of us have to do yet. Loss of life is probably one of the most difficult pains we as human beings face. Because there is so much uncertainty that is associated with it. We don’t know what happens after death. There are many religions that make their best guesses at it, and even our own does that as well. The truth is we only know by experiencing it ourselves. Without this pain that we endured, we would never have fully appreciated every single breath you take. Every moment you are alive is a miracle to us. Every diaper change that you fight me on and wail at the top of your lungs through is a joy to me because you are alive. That is the rainbow, the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel, or whatever someone wants to call it. Without the pain, there would have been no growth.
Of course I’m not saying I’m going to subject you to painful circumstances so that you grow! Certainly not! I’m saying that in life you will go through things that are painful. I’m going to try my best to keep you from those things, and I probably will try to shield you from pain that you should go through as well. But know that when you do encounter pain that it only means growth is coming or is in the process. I know this doesn’t lessen the pain. In fact it may even make it worse. One thing that I have learned as the neurotic paranoid anxiety mess that I am though is that it always helps to hear that someone loves you, and that no matter what they will have your back. I love you and no matter the pain you go through, I will be there for you to help you grow.
I know that some of those painful things may be caused by me. I know I’m going to make mistakes, and as I sit here listening for your cry I’m so incredibly terrified by that fact. I know though that I love you. I know though that I am going to try my hardest to be the best dad I can be. Every boy struggles to either be better than or completely not like their father before them. I know that there will be something that I do along the way that will make you feel that way. I pray that it will be more inspiring than painful, but you can’t plan things like that. I pray that you will love more, learn more, and reach higher heights than even I can fathom. I know some of these things aren’t possible without hardships, but I hope that you will know that I will be there for you even when you don’t want me to. I love you beyond what words can say. I never fully understood what a father’s love was until you were born. Every single moment of your life that grows more and more.
Son, You will endure pain. I’m sorry that you have to. It’s necessary in life. No good story is born without conflict though. We as human beings try our hardest to avoid it, and in fact many of the stories I will soon share with you begin just that way. I will be here though when you fall. I will pick you up and dust you off. I will bandage your wounds. I will care for you until you can get up and try again. Because son, that’s life. Life is getting up and trying again until we get it right. Then there will be a new thing to try, a new thing to fail at, a new thing to get right. We live, we grow, and sometimes we fail. There will be pain, but I hope, I pray I will be there to help you through all of it. I love you, and no matter what I’ll have your back.