The Honest Faith: The Loneliness of Caring

Preface: I know this does not apply to everyone. If it does not, that is wonderful! I hope and pray that the reality I lived is not that that common. If this does ring true for you, this post is for you. I invite you to share a comment or a message to show others this point I’m about to make.


I was in ministry a long time. Even before I was in professional ministry I had my mind and heart set on ministry. I’ve talked about this several times before. There was a newspaper article written about me when I was 14 years old about my desire to want to become a professional minister. I wrote a sermon and entered it into a competition. The headline of the article was, “This teen doesn’t need a sermon, He gives his own.” My tunnel vision toward this goal set me apart at an early age. The rest of the world who thought different of me be damned I was going to be a minister. I was going to change the world.

Last week I wrote about feeling abandoned after my ministry was over. I want to talk this week about the reality that I faced as a minister. Ministry is lonely. There is no way around it, it just is. There are ways to combat that for some, but most feel that weight on a very regular and daily basis. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you actually sat down for a real conversation with someone who cares for people professionally? I mean a real conversation, not one where you are conveying your feelings. One where you are listening to their feelings, actually conversing with them. Those moments where you see the real person beneath the thick armor that so many of us wear. This extends to more than just ministers, but to all who care for people.

Have you ever noticed the humanity of the person taking your order at Chipotle? If your Hotel clerk suddenly changed faces in front of you, would you notice? The chances are, no. There is a thing called change blindness which is commonly attributed to a lack of the human attention span. I see it more as a transactional encounter. When we go expecting to get something for ourselves we tend to only focus on what our own needs are. We don’t see the person in front of us, really. We are seeing, in our mind’s eye, what our goal is; getting food, getting a hotel room, or getting our own feelings met. I’m not commenting on the rightness or wrongness of this, I’m just saying this is something we all do. This extends to those who care for you emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc.

I’m not writing this for those are doing this, I’m writing this for the ones it is being done to. When I was in ministry I realized very quickly how lonely ministry was. The only people you ever really meet or talk to are members of the congregation you work for. You can’t really have a relationship with the members of the congregation, for a lot of different reasons. You can’t cross boundaries. You can’t really be open and honest because you don’t know who will be told next. You can’t play favorites. You must remain professional. You are also, by most, seen as their employee. They know as well as you do that their tithes help keep the church doors open and the staff paid. It is a very lonely position being a servant in a world full of bosses. It was worse when I was single.

For those of you who are single and in ministry positions, I’m sorry. It’s almost impossible to have a modern relationship as a single person in ministry. Most of the people you meet go to your church, so they are right out of the realm of possibility for a relationship for the potential fallout that may happen. Not only that, if you are a Millenial, chances are there are very few people your age that attend that church. So many resort to online dating. For those of you who have never experienced it, it is not fun. I’m sure it hasn’t aged well either. Most people in ministry know that you are more likely to live far away from family and friends as that is where the work is. It makes it much harder for a life outside.

We were told many times in college to have a life outside of the church. That is much easier said than done. Most in professional youth ministry have a shelf life of 18 months. If you are like me you have been at several different churches over the course of your career. Those churches aren’t close together either. Like I said before, you go where the work is. It’s hard to make a life or put down roots in a place you aren’t sure if you are going to be for long. You attempt to make friends, but you know full well in the deepest part of you that you may be leaving again. This leads to a deeper isolation. Especially, if you are an introvert like myself.

There are articles everywhere about why the church is a bad place for introverts. (here is a good one). Someone once told me that they didn’t believe introverts were a thing, and I just needed to get over my aversion to being with people. I don’t think they were quite accurate in their assessment. It is not that I was adverse to people, it was that I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone in the church. There have been many instances in my life before, during, and after ministry where I trusted the wrong people and made my feelings known. This very often is taken out of context and used against you in the worst way possible. It is very damaging. This causes many introverts to revert even further into themselves.

I don’t want this post to be a pity party for me. I want to speak truth to a reality that I faced and one, I pray, not many have and are facing as well. So this post is meant to reach out to those in ministry, who care for others, nurses, social workers, teachers, and other service industries. I want to tell you that I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. You can trust me. I mean really, who would I tell that matters? I don’t have any friends, :P. I know how lonely caring can be. I know that you feel empty a lot of the time. I know there isn’t much that fills you, especially after you have been beaten down.

It wasn’t until I was given permission from my therapist, (I know I talk about therapy a lot. But really it’s just so that you know it’s normal and okay to ask for help) that I realized that it is okay to take care of myself. I am a person, too. My thoughts, my feelings, and me myself matter, too. There was a phrase that came to mind recently that encapsulates this rather well for me. Like the airlines say, you must affix your own breathing apparatus before attempting to help others. You can only help someone else so much if you are unable to help yourself. I think I learned this way too late. This is something I’m struggling to find in my transition into the outside world. I still feel so much mistrust and aversion to being myself outside, but it’s okay. I will continue to tell myself that I matter. My thoughts and feelings matter, too.

So to you care-er of people, I say you matter. Your thoughts and feelings matter, too. No matter how out there your thoughts and feelings are, they matter. It is okay to share them with someone else. It is okay to cry sometimes. It is okay to be yourself. It is more than okay for you to take time for yourself. It is okay for you to take care of yourself. Your life does not have to be lived solely in the care of others. Life is meant to be lived. I know how hard it is to do that. I know how hard it is to let go of the mistrust and aversion when you have been damaged so badly. I know, because I’m going through it too. You are not alone. You matter.

You are not alone. You Matter

You are not alone. You matter

Affix your own breathing apparatus, before attempting to help someone else.

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5 Replies to “The Honest Faith: The Loneliness of Caring”

  1. Wow, Miguel, what an impactful article. I really hope you understand your importance in this life, probably to more people than you realise.
    It’s often not until we ‘leave’ those we’ve encountered in life that we are understood to have been important to so many people. When my nephew died young, just over 20 years ago, the funeral was filled to overflowing with those people he had touched in his short life. That helped the family to realise how important he had been, not just to ourselves, but to so many others.
    I completely understand the points you make in your article: the general population see service and care industry workers as somehow sub- or super- human. They don’t seem to care that they are just as likely to have a bad day as anybody else or that life is sometimes giving them a hard time too.
    Thank you for writing this article, which will impact many lives, I’m sure. You are obviously a very caring person beyond what any career requires of you.
    Many blessings, StanG

  2. Thank you, Miguel. You have just described right where I am, having resigned a call and gone on leave from call to take time to care for myself. I kept putting myself on the back burner as if I lived by a secret rule: give until you collapse. After 22 years of ordained ministry, serving small rural congregations as solo pastor, I finally realized the collapse was immanent. The Holy Spirit made me realize I didn’t HAVE to go all the way to collapse before caring for myself, and gave me the courage to resign. So I am just now learning to let myself matter, that it’s completely ok — even necessary and the responsible thing to do — to spend time and money on caring for my own needs, and to tend my own needs first. I am convicted of being guilty of poor stewardship of myself, actually, and learning to do better. I am realizing that had I carried on as before, I would have suddenly betrayed the overcommitments I had been making, not just abuse myself. To overcommit to others is not doing them a favor. It also harms your cloe friends and family members, because youo ignore their needs or even expect them to minister to you so you can keep on being overfunctioning in church arenas, while underfunctioning in intimate relationships! But most of all, it warps your relationship with yourself and with God. So foolish. How did we ever buy into the notion that we should try to do more for others than God does? Or that we could ever be everything to everyone? And that we ourselves have no needs? I appreciate this essay.

  3. Thank you, Miguel. You have just described right where I am, having resigned a call and gone on leave from call to take time to care for myself. I kept putting myself on the back burner as if I lived by a secret rule: give until you collapse. After 22 years of ordained ministry, serving small rural congregations as solo pastor, I finally realized the collapse was immanent. The Holy Spirit made me realize I didn’t HAVE to go all the way to collapse before caring for myself, and gave me the courage to resign. So I am just now learning to let myself matter, that it’s completely ok — even necessary and the responsible thing to do — to spend time and money on caring for my own needs, and to tend my own needs FIRST. I am convicted of being guilty of poor stewardship of myself, actually, and am learning to do better. I am realizing that had I carried on as before, I would have suddenly betrayed al the overcommitments I had been making, not just myself. To overcommit to others is not doing them a favor. It also harms your close friends and family members, because you ignore their needs or even expect them to minister to you so you can keep on overfunctioning in church arenas, while underfunctioning in intimate relationships! But most of all, it warps your relationship with yourself and with God. So foolish. How did we ever buy into the notion that we should try to do more for others than God does? Or that we could ever be everything to everyone? And that we ourselves have no needs? I appreciate this essay.

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