These last two months watching you grow have been the most amazing, and most exhausting two months of my life. There have been moments where I wasn’t sure I would make it through. There have been moments of pure elation. There have been moments when your lips curled up into a smile that reminded me of everything that is perfect and good in this world. I know you have no clue what is going on outside of your tiny little realm. At the moment I am so very glad for that.
There are times in this life where all seems bleak, and it feels like there is nothing that can make it better. We talked about this a little bit before in my letter on pain to you. But, as a quick reminder; I wrote this on a friend’s facebook post this morning:
I’m reminded that change is never easy, especially when we aren’t ready for it. Though we are never truly ready. Things seem at their worst right before it begins to get better. Maybe this is the worst, maybe it isn’t, but good is on the horizon.
Life is hard. Things worth having in life never come easy. There are all sorts of clichés that we throw around. But there is a lot of truth to be found in them. Yes, it is an over simplistic answer to a deeply complex and complicated issue. But sometimes we need those simple answers. This week something very terrible happened. At some point we will have a conversation about what has and what continues to happen, but not in this letter. People have offered their simple answers to this horribly complex and complicated issue, but what has happened has been reminiscent of events that are all too similar. The simple answers aren’t enough anymore.
There comes times in our lives when we are called upon to act. It’s those moments where we know our simple answers will not work anymore. It’s those moments where I’m reminded not to give up. You will learn that I am an idealist and a dreamer. Your mother will tell you that I’m very much like Clark W. Griswold from the Vacation movies. I build things up in my head and I work very hard to achieve those things, but more often than not it tends to only reach halfway or fail spectacularly. Yet, I still don’t give up on those things. Maybe it’s because I’m a glutton for punishment. Or possibly, it’s because I know that things can be better than they are. There is a deep and abiding hope that lives in us dreamer idealists. I’m not sure if you are going to be like me or not, but I know that it is a very tough life living that way.
People often want to live in the dark. I don’t mean actual literal dark, but sometimes people want to live that way too. I’m talking about an emotional darkness. They want to live in that place of pain and hurt because at least they know what they have lost, and will not have to give anything else up. I can’t blame them too much. Change requires that we sacrifice. Moving on requires that we give more of ourselves up. It is painful, but ultimately it leads to something better. These people see that deep abiding hope within those of us who are dreamer idealist and fear that we are the catalyst of change. They will do whatever it takes to put out that light so that they may remain in the dark where they are. They want us to stay with them. That’s not a bad thing, but it’s also not the best thing for either person.
My message in all of this is to say don’t give up. When you encounter the dark people, when you feel like the world is turning in on itself, when you feel like you can’t go on; hope is there. It may be a small spark within yourself, or it may be your ever idealistic father behind you prodding you on, but it is there. I wont go into the details here, suffice to say my other blog posts which aren’t letters to you will tell you what it is, but I’m going to keep fighting for what I think is best. I don’t have all the answers, but I know what I need to do make sure that you grow up feeling safe. I know that things can be better. I’m going to do the best that I can to make things better for you. Maybe it will work out, maybe it will fail spectacularly; but I am not giving up. I love you and I am going to give you the best life that I can. I am not going to try to make it magical, you do that on your own, I’m just going to make sure the world is ready for you.